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WARNING!!! The following entry contains Christian content please discontinue reading if you find that objectionable.



Ok first some background...



For those that don't know in spring of 2007 I was involved in two vehicle accidents within six weeks. The first I got rear-ended while in heavy traffic near Ft. Worth TX. I managed to make it back home to Missouri and was undergoing treatment for those injuries. On the way home from a doctors visit in St. Louis MO. A woman ran a stop sign in front of us and we basically t-boned her car. The second wreck aggravated my injuries plus added some new ones as well as causing several injuries for my girlfriend. I haven't worked since about a week after the first accident and haven't had an income since Jan. of 2008 when my insurance ran out. My girlfriend's back injuries continued to get worse because of work until she could no longer perform her job Jan. of this year. Another thing for quite some time because of things I had done in my past and present I had not felt close to or forgiven by God.





09-17-2009 On that evening I was feeling exceptionally anxious and depressed even for me lately. My girlfriends daughter has really been taking advantage of my girlfriend lately. She had at that time had my girlfriend babysit her kids everyday for over 2 weeks and several of those were 24hr plus periods. With everything else we have going on in our lives right now that puts a lot of stress on my girlfriend. When I see how much it hurts my girlfriend it makes me hurt for her too. She has tried to talk to her daughter about it but her daughter starts either crying or gets mad and lays a guilt trip on my girlfriend which just makes things even worse and she won't let me say anything to her because it will just be the same result. So on this night in question it just got to me too much and I left on my bike. At first I was going to ride over to my parents but because of the way my relationship is with my parents decided not to and was just going to ride south(the direction I happened to be going at the time) until I ran out of gas. The farther I rode the more depressed I became. My thoughts started turning to suicide at first I just brushed them off. They kept coming back though. I saw a sign for a church that I had been curious about called Cross Trails Cowboy Church so I decided I would stop by and try to check it out some since I was driving right by it, though since it was a Thursday night didn't expect anyone there. When I got there I was right no one was there and the place was locked up. The place seemed kinda small for a church but not knowing exactly what the deal was didn't think much about it. The disappointment of it being locked only added to the depression I was feeling by then. I walked around to one side of the building found a picnic table and decided to sit down for a while. Sitting there alone with my thoughts they continued to grow darker every second. I kept thinking more and more about suicide. It's hard for me to talk to my girlfriend about it because of how much it hurts her and she has enough stress. The only person I used to be able to confide in for about 30 years has disowned me. So since I was at a house of God I decided to talk to him. After a while it didn't seem like I was getting anywhere and started looking inward again which lead right back to suicide again. This time the thought took hold and so I got a knife out of my pocket, I always carry knives. Eventually I held it to my wrist and I heard a voice in my head say "why are you doing that you know you can't do it that way you've tried too many times". At the time I took it to mean I should try another way, though it may have meant something else. So I grabbed a bottle of pills. The bottle in question has a mixture of pills that I and my girlfriend take on a regular basis that we combine in one bottle to make it easier to pack on trips on the bike since there is limited space. I started taking them one at a time working my nerve up to take a bunch of them. Now this next part especially I do not recommend anyone to try as there are prohibitions on tempting God. I had taken two narcotic pain pills and two muscle relaxers and had worked my nerve up enough that I a large handful of pills in my hand getting ready to take them all at once. I told God that if he forgave me and still wanted me he was going to have to show me and come get me because I was going even if it meant going to hell. I put the pills to my mouth a few were already against my lower lip and then a man walked around the corner of the building and introduced himself as the pastor of the church. I was so astonished that I dropped the pills all over the ground. I knew at that moment with out a doubt that God had forgiven me and that he still loved me. I felt so much joy in that moment I began crying uncontrollably. There are not enough words to express how good I felt in that moment. As it turns out the church has services on Thursday evenings. They however do not have them at the building I was at but at another one near by. No one had actually seen me there because I was on the opposite side of the building but someone had thought they saw a bike over at the building I was at but they weren't sure and asked the pastor about it. Now you may think big deal you ran into a preacher at a church so what? Well when I left our house I was headed to my parents house. I decided to try a route from mapquest that was supposed to be faster but in reality sent me an hour out of the way. Had I gone my normal way I would have been at the church an hour earlier assuming that I would have even stopped then when no one was there for another hour by which time I would have been either dead or beyond help. I believe that things generally happen for a reason though we may not always understand why until much later if at all. Call it what you will but I believe it to be a miracle. I do not judge people by their beliefs so please do not judge me by mine.



Wolvie™

COMMENTS

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Xzavier
07:56 Sep 24 2009

*gasps* Oh know, God, church, Christianity...it's horrible!! *rolls eyes*



That's a really great story and I'm glad things worked out. God's a good God :) If you bare yourself open to him and submit, even in the depths of darkness he will answer. Please always remember that he hears you and forgives even if it doesn't seem like it and that death by our own hand is never the answer...as you found out. (thankfully before it was to late)



I have a similar story, to a degree, about a miracle that happened to me. Just ask if you want to know.

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Sinora
13:43 Sep 24 2009

It's a shame you felt you had to 'push' God to forgive, when maybe all you had to do was forgive yourself first. The important thing is you are still around to tell the tale *hugs*.

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Wolvie
13:33 Sep 27 2009

I'm sure it was really more on my end that I was the one putting the barrier up. I'm one of those people that sometimes needs things put blatantly in front of me, like I tell ldylioness all the time "I don't do hints.". It's kind of funny(odd not ha ha), I really like mysteries and am pretty good at solving them even with subtle clues. When it comes to my personal life though I generally miss on subtle hints from other people. If someone wants me to know how they feel about something they have to tell me straight and to the point.

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